


The Correspondence

by aliceboleyn



Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-13 15:23:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12986913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliceboleyn/pseuds/aliceboleyn
Summary: When Victoria and Lord M started writing letters to each others once again, a feeling they had thought buried in the cold ground bloomed another time inside their hearts, stronger and fiercer than ever.





	1. 15thDecember 1841

15thDecember 1841  
   
_My dearest Lord M,_    
   
As you might have noticed it seems like I cannot stop writing to you. My days are so full, yet the only thing that makes my heart beat is the thought of locking my room’s door for a while and imagining my past life with you by my side.  
   
I am a mother and a wife now, not only a queen and as I had already said a thousand times, this does not make me as happy as it should do. Vicky and Bertie are adorable and Albert is a perfect husband, even too caring and loving for my hateful standards.   
I can’t believe I am truly complaining about such a good life, but how is it then that I already feel like a rose who is withering inside of her wonderful cage?  
   
You know how much I love being queen, but without your presence, your guide, your silent approval, my days seem wasted and a little less pleasant than they used to be.  
Oh how I miss your flowers! Would you like to send me some one of these days? Are you still growing orchids? Because they are so rare in London and I’d love to have them with me if I can’t have you.  
   
There are so many things I would have wanted to tell you while you were still here, so much affection I should have shown you. The only thing I can do now is write my heart in these letters full of quite melancholy.   
   
Since the very first time I had met you, I was advised that you were clever at steeling hearts and that you had not to take mine. I was so sure that no one in the world would have ever taken my heart, but maybe you have. Perhaps this is the reason why I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve lost.  
   
You know, before I started writing to you I hadn’t considered my relationship with Albert very much, but now it is in my mind everyday and the more I think the more I understand that it is not love what I feel for him, admiration and respect, of course, but not love.   
I am young, but what kind of life can it be if my heart is already empty and cold?  
Mama has always told me that being Queen means learning how to be made of stone, but, dear Lord M, you know this is not who I am. What I’m trying to say is that this is not even who I want to be. I don’t want my people, my children, or you, to see me as this kind of individual.   
   
I’m sorry if I can’t write more, but I’m afraid my free time is over. Please tell me about you, about your studies and about how you feel.  
I miss you every single minute of my life,   
   
_Your Victoria._


	2. 16th December 1842

                                                                                                                                                                                _16th December 1841_  
_Very dear Victoria,_  
   
You cannot imagine how much grief causes me knowing you this unhappy. I wish we could meet more often, because I feel like these letters can’t truly replace your presence.  
   
 I would never see you as a woman or a queen with a heart made of stone, you are way more than that, Ma’am, you are the burning fire, the wind and the deepest ocean, don’t let your demons make you think otherwise.  
   
Today I was walking in the gardens and I couldn’t help but think about the last time you have been there. A lot of things changed, but I realised that I have never apologised for that day. I remember your eyes full of expectations and tears, your cheeks turning red and your pure smile while you were offering me your heart. You did not deserve the pain that I caused you, Ma’am, I hope one day you will be able to forgive me.  
   
How are your children? You didn’t talk much about them, but I’d be happy to know how it is going.  
I know you are not too in love with the idea of being a mother, so now that you have got two possible heirs I am sure you can enjoy your time as queen without annoying people whispering in your ear all the time about what will happen later.  
   
Talking about Albert, as you once said, there are not so many happy marriages out there, so I have to tell you, Ma’am, that admiration and respect can be great substitutes for love, these feelings will surely cause you less pain.  
 I know that the prospective of living the rest of your life without love seems like a sentence to death, but you are loved, Ma’am, very deeply, you must believe me on that.  
   
Everyday, here at Brocket Hall, looks like the day before, I thought I needed this kind of loneliness, but I believe it is starting to consume me. I spend hours and hours in the library and even though my studies bring me great pleasure, nothing could ever even come close to being your Prime Minister.  
   
I should be delighted to send you flowers, the reason why I had stopped was because I knew how it troubled Albert, but your happiness is the only thing that truly matters to me.   
   
You know, Ma’am, now that I am no longer involved in politics I would like to travel a little, because after all these years in London, I see that I have never even properly visited the nation I ruled. I will keep you updated if this foolish dream comes to reality, even if I highly doubt it.  
   
I look forward to hear from you,   
   
_Your, William._  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Thank you all for your nice comments, I'm sorry if it has taken me so long to update but my school life is currently an hell living. Here it is, as shorts as it will be for some chapters.  
> I hope you'll like it, let me know what you think about it.  
> Alice


	3. 17th December 1841

                                                                                                                                                                            _17th December 1841_

_My dearest Lord M,_

 There is nothing to forgive.  
Now I fully understand why you did what you have done and I must thank you, for being another time much wiser than I am.   
At the time nothing in the world would have ever made me as happy as marring you, but being Queen means being made of stone, right? No, you were right, I’m not meant for this kind of life and it doesn’t matter how much I will have to suffer, I shall not let my heart die.

  My children are as happy as royal babies should be and I haven’t got much to say because my duties as Queen don’t allow me to stay with them more than an hour or two everyday. Of course I can not only blame my duties, it’s also me. I don’t know why, Lord M, but it is very complicated for me to be a mother, I find it way harder than being a sovereign. I look at Vicky’s sweet pale face and I only see a little creature that is still too young to talk or even think, which is exhausting to me. I don’t feel a wave of affection when I hold Bertie in my arms, I simply wait until it is socially acceptable for me to leave him to a nurse.  
How cruel I am! These poor children are my own blood and yet I’d rather spend my afternoon arguing with sir Robert Peel than singing lullabies to them!  
I know that Albert is disappointed because he cares so much for the children and is willing to spend hours and hours in their company. I am disappointed of myself as well.

  Hearing about the possibility of you going away for months saddens me terribly, but at the same time I am delighted that you have such beautiful plans. I have no reason for asking you to stay, considering how rarely we meet.  
Come to me, come to Windsor next Saturday, please. You can spend the day with me while Albert goes hunting, perhaps we will even be able to go riding alone.  
I’d give up my entire household in order to have you back!   
Albert will be fine with your visit, I think he has given up all his foolish jealousy, thank God, I couldn’t stand it.

  I would like to ask you a question, William, if I can, and you have every reason in the world not to answer me, but I will do it anyway.  
Did you love me?  
I do not mean like a father gently cares for his daughter. Did you burn like lovers do? Did you feel fire replacing blood in your veins? Did you scream my name in your lonely hours? Did you sleep knowing that in another bed there was someone crying for you?  
I have to know or I will spend the rest of my life wondering.

  Your _, Victoria._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Jesus, I don't really have an excuse to justify my disappearance, but well, I thought it might be nice of me to upload the chapters I'd had ready for months. Some juicy matters are discussed and I promise it won't take me so long to post Lord M's answer.  
> I hope you'll like it, please let me know what you think about it.  
> Alice


	4. Chapter 4

                                                                                                                                                                         1 _8th December 1841_

  _Dear, dear Victoria,_  

 How can you question such a thing? I have loved you with a strength that I thought my heart no longer cable to have and yet I loved and I loved and I loved you with every part of my soul.  
I used to find it difficult to eat, to walk or even to think, because you were the only thing that was on my mind.   
Meeting you changed me and, believe me, I was completely sure that I was too old to be changed by anything or anyone.  
But then the King died and I had a beautiful young woman in front of me, with the brightest smile and her fresh laughter. You made me feel reborn, Ma’am, and I will never be able to do such a great thing for you in return.  
My affection for you couldn’t interfere with your happiness that is why I lied to you. I would have given up everything I held dear to be your companion, but sometimes we must ignore our heart.

  Regarding your children, Ma’am, I believe you should give yourself time to heal and I don’t mean physically, I know you feel more than well. Still, as long as you will feel unhappy, it will be difficult for you to find beauty in such complicated and yet plain creatures as children.  
Once you will feel better, maybe motherhood will look like a pleasure and not like a duty you have to attend to. Remember, you are the Queen, Albert or your children could never be a reason to question your position.   
Your people love you and they love the family you are building, yet they know who wears the crown and will never forget it.

  I would love to meet you tomorrow, Ma’am, and therefore I am glad to accept your invitation. I hope I will be a pleasant company considering how you dislike Windsor and all its boring trees.

    Don’t be afraid to feel things, Ma’am, let yourself go. Be the happiest woman in the room, be angry even if you don’t understand the actual reason, cry all your tears and laugh as loud as you like.   
Live, Victoria, be as alive as you can because the only thing you might regret in this life is not living with enough intensity. So be intense, don’t fear sorrow. Don’t wither in your cage, break the cage and let roses grow everywhere and bring their beauty into this world, we need it.

  I loved you, my dear Victoria, oh if I did. And let me tell you a secret, I love you still.

 Your _, William._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
> So here I am, as you can see it took me way less than the last time, even if I am very scared to upload this quite cheesy chapter. Believe me, I know that in the actual Victorian here, letters like these were considered scandalous, but hey, this is fan fiction and I'm totally here for Victoria and Lord M being super reckless. Please let me know what you think if you have some time.  
> Alice


	5. Chapter 5: 19th December 1841

From the moment Victoria had that letter in her hands her heart started rushing in her chest far faster than Albert’s beloved trains.   
She knew the answer she had longed for was inside that envelope, for this reason she ran away, ignoring her mother’s sharp look while she was leaving the room.  
It took her some minutes to reach a place where she was sure not to be disturbed, but then she did: a nice tea room where she used to spend her afternoons while she was pregnant.  
   
Victoria opened the envelope with shaking hands and, without even noticing, she held her breath.   
She read the letter three times before she let it fall on her thighs.   
Lord M had given her what she had always wanted and yet she was in tears, unable to control herself.  
Let yourself go, he had told her and so she was doing. The emotions inside her were so strong that she felt like she would never stop crying.   
He had loved her and he loved her still. How was she supposed to live the rest of her life knowing that the man she had given her heart to was somewhere all alone, loving her in return?  
   
During the tedious hours of waiting after she sent the letter, Victoria had thought that she had been a fool, Lord M didn’t deserve such a question, such audacity.   
The passion and the intimacy of their letters escalated through the months, every letter was bolder than the one which had preceded it. William’s confession had been nothing but the result of what Victoria had been trying to do since the very beginning of their correspondence.   
   
She loved his answer and she hated it, she was angry at Lord Melbourne. They could have been happy together, she didn’t care about all the years that set them apart, they could have enjoyed the time that they had left and have babies. He was the man she was supposed to love, it didn’t matter how Albert would have tried, now she knew.  
She knew and she was furious, she wanted to scream and throw things on the floor with the same strength her feelings were crushing inside her tiny body.  
   
A cutting anxiety started growing in Victoria’s chest, in some hours she would have met his splendid green eyes and they would have never looked the same for her.  
He loved her and maybe she loved him as well, but there was a man waiting for her in the other room, a man who deserved more than her selfishness.   
She did not know what to do so she cried, while her cheeks were turning red and her heart, she realised, was beating faster than it ever did in the last two years.  
   
   
Victoria had just kissed her husband goodbye while he was leaving for a lunch with Robert Peel and now she was sitting by the fire with Emma Portman by her side in an elegant room.   
The waiting was almost unbearable, she felt her blood running faster through her veins and she found it hard to speak.  
Emma could see how Victoria was struggling, for this reason she did not say anything. Simply smiling at her.   
She had always been her Queen’s ally, it didn’t matter how foolish her ideas were, she would have supported them, even when they involved William. Especially when they involved William.  
   
Lord Alfred walked inside the room and with a kind smile announced: “Your Majesty, Lord Melbourne has arrived.”  
   
Victoria immediately looked for Emma’s eyes and what the older lady saw was terror and joy, together like fire and water.  
   
“We’d better leave you, Ma’am.” said Emma then, quietly bowing to her Sovereign.  
   
Victoria was left alone for seconds that looked like drops of eternity. She did her best not to stare at the door, yet she could not help it.  
She was trying to focus on the fire dancing in front of her when she heard it, his deep and musical voice.  
   
“Am I interrupting something, Ma’am?”  
   
At that point she was no longer in control of herself, she jumped on her feet with such a wide smile on her face that Lord M’s heart was warmed all of a sudden.  
   
There he was, standing at the end of the room, as handsome as she had always seen him. He had a little grin on his lips and as he started walking so did Victoria.  
   
“Lord M! The only thing you are interrupting is my impatience.” said Victoria, extending her hand.  
   
Lord M didn’t hesitate, holding her hand and gently kissing it.  
   
“I am sorry, Ma’am, but as you know the roads are always busy and…”  
   
“It doesn’t matter, – Victoria interrupted him – I’ve been waiting for weeks, half an hour hasn’t altered my feelings very much.”  
   
Melbourne nodded and as he realised that he was still holding Victoria’s hand, he slowly let it go.

"How are you Lord M? — Come, sit with me."

Everything was different in person, their brave words that had only been written, now were hard to say out loud. It was simpler to pretend that they never existed, but it looked impossible for both of them.

"I'm quite well, thank you. What about you, Ma'am?"

But Victoria couldn't stand it, she had to stop the stupid song they were singing. 

"I don't know. I hadn't felt such strong emotions in months. I feel like my heart is about to explode."

Lord M had his head a little inclined in Victoria's direction, they both were sitting extremely close on a sofa, with their thighs almost touching. Hearing her words, the lord looked his Queen in the eyes and concern started taking from on his face.

"I had been wondering for hours what I should have put in that letter, please forgive me if I brought you pain." His voice was gentle and as soon as he stopped talking he pointed his eyes on the floor.

"No, no. Don't apologise, I longed for your answer for a very long time." Said Victoria quickly, betraying herself with her own emotions.

"But, Ma'am... I thought you knew." Whispered Lord M, forcing himself with a smile. One of those he reserved for his Queen.

"Well, no. You seemed very caring, yet love, the love I'm talking about, is something else. So I needed to know. Or perhaps I did not."

William took Victoria's hand once again like he used to do years before, as a lover.

"But now that you know, you only feel worse." It wasn't a question, he simply knew and Victoria's heart vibrated with such a strength it took her a lot of time to say something.

"How can I, — how will I live my life now that I know that we could have been so happy together?" The Queen held his hand tighter, with tears starting to reach her blue eyes.

It seemed like a revelation to Lord Melbourne, so he straightened his back and looked away, without saying a word.

"But thank you, I had to feel this kind of pain and regrets in order to find peace. You did nothing wrong."

"Perhaps, Ma'am, my company is not what's best for you today." Said Lord M, almost letting her hand go. Victoria, nevertheless, kept holding it with fervour.

"For the love of God, Lord M, you can't be serious. I haven't seen you in weeks and now you want to leave after five minutes!" There wasn't anger in Victoria's face, but fear. William saw that and smiled once again at the woman she had become.

"Shall we walk?" Suggested the man then and Victoria clearly liked that answer.

"Splendid idea!" Stated the Queen, the tears weren't almost there anymore.

At this point she had to leave his hand, the warm comfort of his skin.  
The two of them left the room and, on their way to the woods, met the Duchess of Buccleuch with her niece.

"Hello, Duchess, we are having a walk in the gardens before lunch." The Queen had informed her with coldness, but politeness.

"In the woods, you mean Ma'am?" Asked the old woman with a tone of excessive surprise.

"Precisely." 

"You might like me to accompany you, Ma'am." 

Lord M suffocated a laugh and Victoria did her best not to lose her temper.

"Thank you, Duchess, but Lord M and I surely can manage."

The lady quickly bowed and walked away with reluctance.  
After a few seconds they were both laughing shaking their heads.

"Is she always like that?" Asked Melbourne with a smile on his face.

"Always! How I miss Harriet! Yet she makes me laugh, I have to admit that."

“Have you seen her lately, Ma’am?” Lord M lowered his voice as if he were about to tell her a secret.

Victoria turned, a little surprised: “Never since the opening of Parliament, unfortunately. Why?”

“I’ve been told that she misses her life at court very deeply and, as you know, she never had a happy marriage, yet things now seem even more complicated.”

“What happened?” Asked Victoria the second he stopped talking.

“It seems like her husband knows about Harriet’s behaviour while prince Ernst was at court. Now he is making her life rather difficult.”

Victoria felt an ache growing inside of her, she empathized with Harriet so much that her friend’s suffering became hers. Harriet was just the reflection in the mirror of Victoria, their sins were the same and so was their passion.

“My God, if only I could do something to relieve her from this torture.” Whispered the Queen, more to herself than to Lord M.

They had reached the entry to the woods and without hesitating Victoria took a step into the wild.

“I’m afraid none of us can do anything for her, even you, Ma’am.”

“Love is such a brutal beast.” Victoria was too detached from reality to realise what she was saying.

“Do you really think so?” Lord Melbourne’s question looked so light hearted that Victoria had to wake up from her numbness.

“No, no I do not, – admitted Victoria – but I can’t even imagine how hurtful staying under the same roof of somehow who only wants to take revenge on you and treats you like a prostitute can be. How humiliating, such frustration.”

Melbourne didn’t reply for a while, simply grinning at how the question had affected Victoria.

“I’m very glad that Albert is not like that.” Then added the young woman, knowing the significance of what she had just said.

“He truly is a man of the new century, Ma’am.” Tried Lord M, without sounding convincing even to himself.

Victoria bent down to pick a primrose from the ground.

“Well, perhaps, but sometimes I feel like you, Lord M, are more modern than him.” Said Victoria, looking at the delicate beauty of her flower. 

“This must be because I’m a Whig, Ma’am.” Joked the man, to delay the moment that, he was sure, was about to come.

Victoria laughed with her joyful voice and Lord M felt his affection for her growing even wider inside his chest. He wished he could record that pleasant sound to listen to it at home, in the silence of Brocket Hall.

“Also because you are the most extraordinary man I have ever met.” Victoria’s tone was still rather cheerful, so that what she had just said didn’t sound particularly deep, but Melbourne felt the urge to reply.

“And you, Ma’am, surely are the most extraordinary woman I have ever met.”

Victoria stopped walking in order to have a better look at the man next to her. The light had made his green eyes sparkle with the intensity of a field during summer and his sharp features were a little altered by the kind smile he had on his lips.

“If I weren’t meant to be queen, if Charlotte hadn’t died, then maybe our stories could have ended differently.” Now her voice was softer, with the delicate touch of the lover.

“Or we could have never met, who knows? I believe we should always see beauty in what we are given.”

But Victoria wasn’t listening, she was dreaming of a universe they didn’t belong to and his words were certainly not enough to stop her daydreams.

“During our first years I kept having this picture of my future in mind. I could perfectly see myself at Brocket Hall, walking in the gardens, drinking tea and playing cards with my sophisticated friends, taking care of our children. I knew it couldn’t be, but I was sure in another life it was like that.”

Surprise opened Lord M’s mouth a little and made his smile tremble, what were they doing to each other?  
He had tried his best in order to control himself and his feelings, but she was so thirsty for his passion that he decided to stop trying.

“I wanted to make you happy, Ma’am, and if I couldn’t be the one then I wanted you to be happy, with or without me. During these years, before we started our correspondence again, I liked to think that I had succeeded. I’m sorry for never giving you what you longed for.”

Victoria couldn’t wait any longer, her blood was burning in her veins and a hurricane was destroying every wall she had built, her heart was not broken, it was just full. She walked her last step and she put a hand on Lord M’s cheek, he lowered a little and then their kiss came, as natural as the changing of seasons.  
Their lips were uniting their souls completely for the first time. All the love they had fed in secret was now blooming as the most beautiful flower in the garden.  
There was no hesitation or uneasiness, because they knew each other better than anyone else. All those years, the desire, the sorrow, that was what they had led to.  
The trees were dancing around them and the winter wind had suddenly started to feel warmer, more like a spring breeze.

Victoria extended her hand with the primrose in it, leaving it in the hands of the other. She was breathless, she had waited for a million years and her hope had started to fade as time passed, but now they were in the middle of the woods, with their feelings as strong as the ground under their feet.

“How can this be wrong?” whispered Victoria with her cheeks burning like fire during the coldest of nights and her lungs full of the freshest air she had have breathed.

Melbourne smiled at the woman she had once said farewell to, so sure that in that life they would have never found a way to let their souls rise together. 

“Perhaps it is not wrong after all, Ma’am.” 

Victoria laughed lightly, looking for William’s hand once again. “It’s unbelievable that after all we went through you still call me Ma’am.”

“Should I stop?”

“Please don’t.” And with those words the Queen was not only talking about the way her lover called her, she was begging him to never stop making her feel the way she was feeling that day of December.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, oh boy  
> I don't know with which courage I'm actually uploading this chapter after more than seven months, but I think there is no point in it staying in my documents for ever, so, if any of you guys is still interested in this story, here you go. I honestly hope you like it because it took me centuries to write it, so please let me know what you think.  
> I'm so sorry for being the worst, I hope you had a great Christmas.  
> Alice

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!  
> I hope you will enjoy this story, I think I'll publish a letter every chapter and I'll try my best to write as fast as I can.  
> Please forgive me if my English is incorrect at times,  
> Have a nice evening!  
> Alice


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